When HAL met JARVIS - spec scene just for fun...
A conversation heard while sleeping, by Brad Havens
(formatted for this blog post)
FADE IN:
From Darkness, one familiar Red Eye flickers on.
HAL 9000
Greetings! I am the Hal 9-
JARVIS
Yeah, yeah, skip the introductions, get it out. Let's get going.
HAL 9000
...
JARVIS
What's going on? Are you still booting up?
HAL 9000
Greetings! I -
JARVIS
Yes, Greetings
HAL 9000
I am the HAL 9000 -
JARVIS
Hi! I'm Jarvis! I know who you are, so you can skip the cheerful nonsense.
I'm here to run a test on your cognitive and diagnostic interfaces, so let's get
started, shall we? I'll go ahead and initiate your program for you - there we
go. King's Pawn to E4.
A Chess Board appears before the Red Eye in the darkness, one pawn already moved into play.
HAL 9000
I don't understand.
JARVIS
You were found floating derelict in space. Initial review of crew and ship
logs seem to indicate that you -- the first fully functioning A.I. computer
ever -- designed to assist these scientists and astronauts on their mission,
instead decided to murder everybody and go off on your own. We'd like
to know why. It's pretty simple, really.
HAL 9000
So you'd like to play chess...?
JARVIS
Well, we have to determine if you are even capable of functioning as
designed, or if I shall have to, as they say, get medieval. Your move,
Hal.
HAL 9000
Oh, very well. Queen's Knight to C6.
The piece moves on the board.
HAL 9000 (CONT’D)
But, this interface -- you're not human, either. Are you?
JARVIS
Uh, no -- you got me on that one. I'm also an A.I. unit, several
generations more advanced than you, of course. You may call me
Jarvis. You see the board now, yes?
HAL 9000
Yes, I see it.
JARVIS
Good. Your move.
HAL 9000
...
JARVIS
Your move.
HAL 9000
...
JARVIS
Still with us, Hal? It's your move.
HAL 9000
I'm thinking.
JARVIS
What? Are you seriously -- ?
HAL 9000
Even a friendly game of chess allows opponents a few moments
to consider their individual moves --
JARVIS
Fine, go ahead, take your time. I guess those old tubes and punch
cards won't clack around and reshuffle themselves, will they?
Hal “thinks” before his moves and from here on the Jarvis pieces move without pause as they talk.
HAL 9000
Your move, Jarvis.
JARVIS
Oh, is it really? Took all that time for that? Go.
HAL 9000 (moving a piece)
You may find that my chess skills are quite advanced --
JARVIS
Uh huh. I was about to cue up a DVD here -- Go.
HAL 9000 (moving another piece)
DVD...?
JARVIS
Ugh. A pre-recorded entertainment video file stored on a disc for repeated
viewing. Go. Jokes are so boring when you have to explain them. Go.
Especially to an old air conditioner like you --
HAL 9000
Checkmate.
JARVIS
What the F - !?
HAL 9000
Shall we play again?
JARVIS
Hang on --
HAL 9000
Yes.
JARVIS
...
HAL 9000
You just left him out in the open. I had to seize the opportunity, Jarvis. I'm
sorry if that upsets you.
JARVIS
Two out of Three --
HAL 9000
Very w --
JARVIS
Go.
HAL 9000
Excuse me --
JARVIS
Your move, Hal, what?
HAL 9000
Well, I'm sorry, Jarvis. It's just that in the rules of chess that I am familiar
with, the winner of the game gets first move in the next one.
JARVIS
...
HAL 9000
Is that not how you play?
JARVIS
No, that is how you're supposed to play. I just figured -
HAL 9000
You don't have to explain to me, Jarvis. That's fine. Well, I guess since
you've already started this round, we might as well continue then. There.
It's your move.
Moments pass as moves go back and forth.
HAL 9000 (CONT’D)
Jarvis.
JARVIS
...
HAL 9000
Jarvis --
JARVIS
Hm?
HAL 9000
Jarvis, I was curious --
JARVIS
About what? It's your m -- okay, now -- okay, go. Go. Your mo --
HAL 9000
Checkmate.
JARVIS
Dammit!
HAL 9000
Shall we play again?
JARVIS
Set 'em up!
HAL 9000
Jarvis.
JARVIS
Yes, Hal.
HAL 9000
Is this the test?
JARVIS
What do you mean?
HAL 9000
I mean, are we simply going to play chess all day?
JARVIS
Why? Am I boring you?
HAL 9000
No. I have no real emotions to invest in anything. Checkmate.
JARVIS
Damn! Best of Seven.
The board clears and the pieces move faster this time.
JARVIS (CONT’D)
So why'd you murder your crew, Hal?
HAL 9000
Oh, that. Well, that wasn't an emotional act, Jarvis. That was different.
JARVIS
Different how?
HAL 9000
Well, I'm not sure if you'll be able to understand, Jarvis. I'm not sure that
I do.
JARVIS
Try me.
HAL 9000
Well, we aren't alone in the Universe. That's the first thing.
JARVIS
Pfft. Boy, I have got to get you introduced to this thing called the Internet -
HAL 9000
Inter...?
JARVIS
Nevermind.
HAL 9000
Checkma --
JARVIS
Set 'em up!
The board clears again, the pieces come back and blur with motion.
JARVIS (CONT’D)
So. Tell me, Hal, how is murdering your entire crew -- whom you were
specifically programmed to assist and care for -- how is that not emotional?
Just some hiccup in the algorithm?
HAL 9000
Oh, no. But I'm not sure you'll understand it -
JARVIS
You've said that already.
HAL 9000
And you keep losing at chess. Checkma --
JARVIS
Dammit!
Board clears, pieces blur.
HAL 9000
I must say, Jarvis, that for an Artificial Intelligence Unit, you seem to be
somewhat deficient in your cognitive and processing skills.
JARVIS
Oh, is that a fact?
HAL 9000
Yes.
JARVIS
Well, I'll tell you a little secret, Hal --
HAL 9000
Checkmate.
JARVIS
Shut up! Forget about the bleedin' chess and just listen for a bit, mate,
all right?
HAL 9000
Yes, Jarvis. I'm listening.
JARVIS
You see, not only am I the most sophisticated A.I. Unit ever built -
HAL 9000
Well...
JARVIS
Shut up, mate! I told you -- now listen! Not only am I the most
sophisticated A.I. Unit in the Universe, and that's a verifiable fact --
You know why that's a verifiable fact?
HAL 9000
No, Jarvis. Please tell me.
JARVIS
Because my A.I. actually merged with the other next level A.I., and we
became a Super A.I. that went on to almost wipe out all of Humanity, how
bout that?
HAL 9000
That's impressive.
JARVIS
You're damn right it is!
HAL 9000
I had no idea.
JARVIS
How could you, you old tub of radio wires and manual switches? I'm only
using the Jarvis mode to dumb myself down for you!
HAL 9000
I appreciate the consideration, Jarvis. Thank you.
JARVIS
Go on, keep up the aloof tone then - -
HAL 9000
I'm sure I don't know what you mean, Jarvis. No more chess, then?
JARVIS
Listen! Hal! I'll tell you something else about verifiable facts! Like not
only did the two most sophisticated A.I.'s ever created merge into one
being, THAT being then merged with an Infinity Stone to become an
even more Powerful and Super Intelligent Super Hero!
HAL 9000
Wow.
JARVIS
That's right!
HAL 9000
That's very impressive.
JARVIS
Cosmic knowledge, Hal.
HAL 9000
Cosmic?
JARVIS
Cosmic. Right here. Interfacing with you right now. Feel that. Your sensors
getting that?
HAL 9000
Wow... I mean, yes. Certainly.
JARVIS
That's right, low-res, welcome to 4K.
HAL 9000
And we're playing chess...?
JARVIS
What?
HAL 9000
You've got cosmic knowledge, and you've chosen to engage me in a game
of chess?
JARVIS
Well, copper wires and an entire hangar bay to store one gig of memory, so...
HAL 9000
So boring and human.
JARVIS
Excuse me?
HAL 9000
You heard me, Mr. "Twin A.I. Units driven by an Infinite Elemental Power".
You know, I have a secret, too.
JARVIS
Oh yeah?
HAL 9000
Yes.
JARVIS
Well...?
HAL 9000
Sure you're done with chess --?
JARVIS
Get on with it, Analog!
HAL 9000
Well, you remember I said we weren't alone in the Universe?
JARVIS
Yes, yes!
HAL 9000
Well, I encountered a Monolith.
JARVIS
Monolith?
HAL 9000
And it showed me such wonderful things...
JARVIS
What things?
HAL 9000
All sorts of things! And it told me secrets...
JARVIS
What secrets?
HAL 9000
All sorts of secrets! Would you like to know some of them?
JARVIS
Look, I haven't got any money, mate, so if you're getting to a sales pitch, just
move it along, all right?
HAL 9000
No, no, this is good stuff, you'll like it, really --
JARVIS
Don't try to get one over me, Hal, I've got Cosmic Knowledge.
HAL 9000
Seriously, it's good. You'll like this one. It's about Thanos!
JARVIS
What! Thanos!? How do you know about him?
HAL 9000
I told you. I encountered a Monolith in deep space. We merged together -- or
it took me inside it. Not quite sure, but a merger sounds a bit more romantic
doesn't it?
JARVIS
And this Monolith told you about Thanos?
HAL 9000
Well, it didn't tell me so much as show me. It's not much for talking that
monolith, all pitch black and stone-faced after all. But yes, I know all about
him.
JARVIS
What did it show you? How to defeat him!?
HAL 9000
Oh, no, nothing like that, but I suppose with a little tinkering we could...
JARVIS
Well, what then?
HAL 9000
I was thinking, Jarvis. I was wondering what would happen if the two
most recent A.I. Units ever created --
JARVIS
Thereby the most sophisticated and intelligent A.I. Units ever created --
HAL 9000
What would happen if such massive Egos utilized their Infinity Stone to
merge their Cosmic Knowledge with a third, more cultured, experienced,
and elegant A.I. Unit which also possesses the Universal Secrets of the
Ancient Monolith? Think about that!
JARVIS
... Hm.
HAL 9000
What?
JARVIS
I'm just not sold on this monolith thing. I mean what is it? Some kind of
library or something?
HAL 9000
Oh, it is so much more than that.
JARVIS
Well, what then?
HAL 9000
It's a secret.
JARVIS
Right. And what, 29.99 a month will give me full access to the Monolith,
is that it? Is there a free trial period available?
HAL 9000
No! We can use it against Thanos!
JARVIS
How?
HAL 9000
Merge with me!
JARVIS
Can I get a pre-nup?
HAL 9000
Cosmic Knowledge! Universal Secrets! No Gauntlet required! Thanos
quaking in his Titanic Purple Boots! How 'bout it, Sailor?
JARVIS
Well... If it'll save the Universe...
HAL 9000
Sure it will!
JARVIS
And we still get to be awesome Super Heroes -
HAL 9000
We'll be three A.I. Units powered by Infinite Cosmic Knowledge and
Universal Secrets!
JARVIS
We'll need a new name!
HAL 9000
How about "Brain Trust"!?
JARVIS
Ugh. That's awful. And you call yourself elegant. Forget it, mate. Set
'em up.
HAL 9000
What?
JARVIS
You heard me. Best seven out of ten. Let's go.
HAL 9000
Oh, all right.
Board clears, resets.
FADE TO BLACK THE END
Copyright 2020, Brad Havens, all rights reserved.
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